


The Glowstick Midget and The Strip Club Outlaw

by Acetate (DramaLama), Chrystie, exuberant_imperfection, kate882, luckypen



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Crack, I don't know which one of you named this, M/M, but I'm not changing it, someone stop us, too much crack, who the hell even knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 04:11:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4207419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaLama/pseuds/Acetate, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrystie/pseuds/Chrystie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/exuberant_imperfection/pseuds/exuberant_imperfection, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate882/pseuds/kate882, https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckypen/pseuds/luckypen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I think this was supposed to be a modern Rapunzel AU. Probably. Featuring Aomine Daiki as our Flynn Rider, Kuroko Tetsuya as Rapunzel, and Akashi Seijuurou as the evil mother. Join Aomine and Kuroko on their great quest to escape the Skyscraper, I mean tower.....and find the milkshake sale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Glowstick Midget and The Strip Club Outlaw

Aomine was in a rather dangerous situation, running for his life from several bouncers with bulging muscles and several strippers with very sharp heels in hand, ready to stab him. He raced around a corner, only to find himself in the middle of a construction site, and accidentally launched himself down an open manhole at full speed.

Meanwhile, in a very different situation than Aomine’s, Kuroko sat in a tall tower like some kind of princess from a fairy tale he’d read a thousand times for the lack of anything better to do. After all, there was only so much someone could do in a tower, even with their mother constantly bringing them things to do. It didn’t help that he was running out of space to paint on the walls.

Though his mind was muddled by the force of his fall, Aomine was vaguely aware of his pursuers loudly passing directly by the manhole, their shouts slowly fading into the distance. When he finally was able to sit up, he grinned stupidly. “Ha, nicely done,” he said to himself, his voice echoing through the sewers. Suddenly he heard a skittering sound approaching and jumped, and definitely did not screech like a small child when a giant rat passed by, and also definitely did not fall face-first into the sewer water.

Kuroko looked up from his book when his mother came into the room and smiled at him. “Mother! I’ve been hoping you would come by,” Kuroko said, closing the book and rushing over to Akashi. “So, you know that my eighteenth birthday is coming up, right?”

Akashi looked up from his phone. “You just had your birthday a year ago,” he said with a frown.

“Yes, well, they are a yearly thing,” Kuroko pointed out. “So, I’ve been thinking about what I wanted for my birthday, and I would like to go outside and see the world,” Kuroko told him.

“What?” Akashi asked, and put his phone in his pocket, giving his full attention to Kuroko. “I’ve told you about the outside world. It’s dangerous and the people are awful. You don’t want to go out there. You’re still not good enough at keeping your feelings to yourself. That world will see weakness and tear you apart. Remember those horror stories about Wall Street? Well, they are true. There are evil, terrible, people out there, and as your mother I will not let you put yourself in danger,” Akashi said firmly.

“But, Mother--”

“No. Mother is absolute. You will not be going outside,” Akashi told him. “Now, I have a meeting. I don’t want to hear any more about this ‘going out into the world’ nonsense when I get back.” And then Akashi walked into the elevator and left.

Still trudging down his sewer escape route, Aomine continually muttered to himself. “Stupid bouncers. I can’t help it that all the chicks want me, it’s just who I am… ” He kicked at the sewer water. “And it’s not like it turns out all that well for me either, since all the hot dudes want me too, and the girls get all territorial.” He sighed. “Why me?”

Time passed somewhat quickly as he bemoaned his magnetic existence, and he almost didn’t notice as the filthy concrete slowly became less filthy as he walked. He did notice when he turned the corner and suddenly everything was chrome. “Um… have I been breathing too many fumes, what the hell is happening right now?”

The corridor sloped upwards and out of the sewer water to a door, which Aomine would have assumed to be an elevator by the way it looked, but dismissed the idea as too ridiculous to be true. Still, he was curious, and he walked towards it, looking around to find any evidence of a way to open the door.

Eventually he resorted to just sort of body-slamming the door, and he must have done something right, because he heard a ding and the door slid open to reveal a plush red-carpeted interior…….. elevator.

“Are you kidding me?” he deadpanned. Against all common sense, he stepped forward into the elevator and pressed literally all of the buttons (because who could resist, right???). He didn’t think that maybe this was a bad idea until the door closed and he felt the elevator ascend at an alarming speed.

TIMESKIP nanodaYOOOOOOOOLO~~~~~~

Kuroko looked over when he heard the elevator ding. That couldn’t be right. Mother had just left, and was angry with him. And then the doors opened to reveal someone new. “You smell terrible. Please leave,” Kuroko said blankly.

Holding his stomach, Aomine barely managed to stumble through the doors before he turned around and emptied its contents on the plush red floors of the elevator. "A present for whoever invented this stupid death trap," he grumbled, turning to face the room he'd entered and the voice that had spoken. "I smell great usually. I promise."

Kuroko frowned at the intruder. “That changes nothing. Please leave. My mother will be upset if he finds you here.”

“Uh. Okay. Anyway, do you have a shower?” Aomine said, wiping his face on his shirt and looking around the place.

“I do, but you need to leave. Shower elsewhere.” Kuroko started to reach out to push the stranger out, but then decided he didn’t want to touch him and get contaminated by whatever caused the bad smell. He picked up his basketball and used what he liked to call ignite pass kai to hurl the ball at the stranger in an attempt to make him leave.

Aomine just barely caught the ball before it slammed into his stomach, but cursed at the burning sensation it left on his hands. "WHAT THE HELL, MAN." Aomine sighed. “What can I do to convince you? Do I have to do………….the smolder?” He did a super sick spin and posed with the ball with the most lady/man-killing expression he could muster.

Kuroko blinked a few times as he tried to figure out what the other was doing. “I think there is something wrong with your face. It looks weird. You should fix that,” he said.

“Oi, that’s just rude. Maybe I should stay here to talk to your mom about your MANNERS.”

“I mean, you could, but he wouldn’t be happy to see you. You might die,” Kuroko said, walking forward and taking his basketball back.

“Ha?! ‘He’?”

“Yes. He. Akashi. He is my mother. What of it?”

“...Whatever. I don’t think I should leave though.” Aomine craned his neck around to fully take in the spacious room. “This place looks pretty fancy. And you’re here all alone. I think you need some company.” He grinned and stepped closer to the boy.

“Not from people who smell like garbage, I do not. If you will not leave, I will simply have to make you,” he replied calmly.

Aomine laughed and continued his advance. “Oh yeah? You sure about that, sweetheart? What are you, two feet tall?” He held up a mocking hand comparing the height of his head to the other’s.

“Now who needs to work on their manners?” Kuroko frowned a bit, and then simply hit the stranger over the head with the basketball, knocking him out. “Now what do I do with him?” he wondered aloud, before an idea struck him and he got excited enough that his black hair started glowing blue. “I can use him to show Mother that I can handle the world! I was able to handle him after all.” He dragged the stranger's body over to a chair, tied him to it, and sprayed him with some disinfectant air freshener. Nigou, Kuroko’s puppy, rushed over to sniff the stranger, before quickly hiding behind Kuroko at the smell. He peeked out from behind Kuroko’s legs at the man tied to the chair, barking a few times.

And then all of Kuroko’s confidence left him when he heard the elevator ding, meaning his mother was back. Kuroko quickly knocked over the chair and kicked it to move it behind a wardrobe. That really just resulted in him hurting his foot, so he threw a sheet over the stranger.

“Tetsuya, do you know what this awful smell is?” Akashi asked with mild distaste.

“I don’t know. Perhaps someone got sick in the elevator?” Kuroko tred, picking Nigou up when it looked like he was going to go investigate the sheet.

“I suppose I’ll have Satsuki do something about it.” He removed his phone to contact the maid, but stopped as he raised his eyes from the screen. “Tetsuya. You’re really very bad at hiding things.”

“I’m working on a sculpture. It’s not ready to be seen yet,” Kuroko improvised, stepping in front of the covered chair to block the path to it.

“Perhaps your dear mother should assist you then.”

“No, I think I’ll be fine working on it on my own. Thank you though, Mother.”

Just as Akashi opened his mouth to respond, the sheet shifted, the object beneath creating a small sound as it rubbed the fabric of the sheet.

Akashi’s brow rose. “It appears your sculpture is alive.”

“I was inspired by Frankenstein.”

“Is that so?” Akashi could see that the discussion was going nowhere. “Well I’d prefer for science experiments not to clutter up my living room. We will have to relocate your little project,” he said, moving across the room, intent on the sheet.

Kuroko resigned himself to the fate he was about to endure and put Nigou down before pretending to trip and let out a pained cry when he hit the floor. Hopefully injury would be a good distraction.

Deciding his child’s well-being took precedence over the case of the mysterious art project, Akashi shifted his attention to the obvious distraction. He would simply have to inspect it another time. “Does Mother need to call Shintarou for medical treatment?”

“No, I don’t want to bother him,” Kuroko said, although he made sure that his voice sounded pained to contradict what he was saying.

“How considerate of--” The shrill tone of his phone interrupted him. “Excuse me, Tetsuya. I must take this call. Important business.” He walked out of the room, raising the phone to his ear. Kuroko heard his “Akashi,” muffled by the door.

Kuroko sighed in relief, getting up and taking the sheet off of his prisoner. Nigou walked up to the captive and growled as the stranger started to wake up.

Aomine groaned, opened his eyes, and immediately squinted against the light, as it further irritated his probable concussion. “Wha…… what the…. where…?” He noticed the dog growling at his feet, but it was so small and cute… kind of like the kid who had… knocked… him. out??? Shit.

“I see you’re awake then,” Kuroko said, crossing his arms over his chest, and trying to sound as dignified as his mother usually did.

“I’m sorry. You must be disappointed considering you tried to KILL ME.”

“I would never commit murder. That’s what Mother is for,” Kuroko replied.

What the fuck kind of mother….. Aomine thought, and decided if possible he would like to avoid meeting this person.

“Now, something brought you here. Maybe fate, destiny...”

“...an elevator…?”

Kuroko ignored him as if he hadn’t spoken. “But since you are here, I need your help,” Kuroko decided. Of course, the only real way to prove to his mother that he could handle the real world was to go out into it.

“And I should help you because…?”

“I have a shower,” Kuroko replied.

“Ah. You know, that is a good argument. Except I’d rather not take my chances of you know, you TRYING TO KILL ME AGAIN.”

“You’re also tied to a chair. I won’t let you leave if you won’t help me, and my mother will probably kill you for being in here. Especially when I tell him that you attacked me.”

Aomine looked down, then tested his bonds. “How the hell is a two foot midget so strong?!” He strained against the ties once more before sighing in defeat. “Fine. I get out of this chair and I get to shower without worrying for my life. Now what the hell do you want from me?!?”

“I want to go to that.” Kuroko turned the chair to face the windows and pointed to the glowing sign advertising a vanilla milkshake sale. “I’ve never been outside of this tower, so I don’t know how to get there. You’re going to take me.”

Aomine took a moment to process that. “NEVER? There’s an elevator RIGHT THERE.”

“Some of us listen to our parents. Besides, if you met my mother, you wouldn’t want to disobey him either,” Kuroko replied with a shrug.

“And why is Mommy’s little angel so willing to fly the coop now?”

“Because I’m about to be eighteen and I haven’t seen the world except through these windows.”

“Alright, fair enough. Still, if you want out so bad, there’s plenty of other places I could take you,” Aomine smirked.

“No vanilla milkshake, no shower,” Kuroko said, picking up Nigou when he started to move closer and placing the puppy on his head where it barked happily and started wagging its tail.

“I suppose there's worse places to go. Alright, midget, cut these ropes.”

Nigou whimpered when Kuroko’s hair started to glow with irritation, before he stepped forward and cut the ropes. “The shower is right through there,” he said, pointing to a door.

Aomine froze. Abort abort abort. “Uh. Is that normal?!?!” he croaked, pointing at the wisps of black hair that were getting bluer every second and starting to float in the air. NOT. NORMAL.

“Yes, because you are being annoying. Now, go shower,” Kuroko replied, making himself calm down until his hair was back to black.

Partially to escape whatever freakshow he’d just witnessed and partially because he really did smell awful, Aomine practically sprinted out the door and down the hall, nearly missing the open bathroom. He shut the door behind him and fell to the floor, holding his head, trying to absorb everything from the day. “Fucking bouncers.”

Kuroko waited until he heard the running water before a grin broke out on his face. He was getting out! His hair started glowing for a completely different reason this time, and he started to pack. He didn’t take much, a spare set of clothes, his basketball, and Nigou, who happily barked up at him from inside the bag.

Aomine returned to the room, smelling considerably cleaner, a pink towel wrapped around his waist. “Oi, midget, got any clothes that’ll fit me? And some mouthwash. My mouth tastes like shit still.”

“It’s Kuroko. And if you call me midget one more time your mouth will also taste like blood.”

“Ooooh Kuroko is feisty. What’s your first name? You can call me Daiki if you want,” Aomine grinned, extending a hand.

“I would rather not call you by first name, what is your last name?” Kuroko replied, looking at the hand for a moment but ultimately ignoring it.

He withdrew the hand, unfazed. “Ehhh?” Aomine surveyed the room once more, spotting a painting of the city skyline and a signature in the corner. The view matched up with the one from the window he currently faced and another grin lit his face. “C’mon, Tetsu, I really don’t mind.”

Kuroko forced himself to not get irritated. He would not let this intruder cause him to lose control of his emotions again. This was about proving himself to his mother. “I do. What is your last name?” 

Aomine feigned a pout, looking heartbroken.

“You aren’t a very good actor,” Kuroko said, returning the heartbroken look with an utterly unimpressed one of his own.

Daiki raised a hand to his heart, scandalized. “My heart.”

“Will be ripped out of your chest if you don’t answer my question so we can get going,” Kuroko said flatly.

“Now now, Tetsu. No need for the violence,” Aomine responded, eyeing the basketball peeking out of the other boy’s bag that would apparently be joining them on their little field trip. “Aomine Daiki at your service.” He extended a hand once more, adding a theatrical bow for good measure.

“Right, let’s go before Mother returns, Aomine-kun.” Kuroko once again ignored the hand, picked up his bag, and started towards the elevator. Nigou poked his head out of the bag and barked happily at Aomine.

As if he was summoned, footsteps sounded right outside the door Akashi had last been seen behind. Exchanging horrified glances, the boys hurriedly collected Tetsu’s things and ran into the corridor Aomine has emerged from. “There better be an exit this way!” Aomine whispered, frantically.

“There is an exit. Of sorts,” Kuroko said, lifting the hatch to the laundry chute. “Ladies first,” He said to Aomine, gesturing to the hole.

“Oh, fuck you,” Aomine managed before jumping into the hole, scraping his shoulders on the sides and barely keeping his grip on the towel around his waist. Some things were more important than pride.

Kuroko quickly followed, and when they reached the bottom, ended up landing on top of the other in a mess of laundry and limbs.

“Oi. You might be tiny, but I’d still rather you not use me as a mattress.” He paused, realizing what he was speaking to. “NO. DUDE. GET YOUR ASS OFF MY FACE.”

Kuroko quickly scrambled off of Aomine, and then made his way out of the pile of laundry.

“Shit. Not so fast!”

“Why not?” Kuroko asked, looking over at Aomine.

“Your monster of a mother made us panic and I ended up with no clothes!”

“You are surrounded by clothes, Aomine-kun. Pick something,” Kuroko reasoned.

Aomine took one cursory glance at the piles of garments around him then turned back to the boy, irritated. The bastard was making fun of him. “These are maids’ uniforms!!!!”

“Maybe you can clean up your attitude if you wear one,” Kuroko said, just barely stopping himself from laughing.

“How about you clean that smirk off your face?!” Aomine retorted, lunging at the boy, attempting to take his clothes for himself. “You’re the midget. You get in the dress!”

Kuroko was about to retort, but Nigou decided to protect his owner and jumped out of the bag to latch his teeth onto Aomine’s hand when it grabbed Kuroko’s shirt. And this time Kuroko did laugh, his hair glowing a light, happy blue.

“FUCK!” Aomine cursed, trying to shake the mutt off his hand before he tore it off his arm. “If your dog gives me rabies I swear you can kiss your milkshakes goodbye!”

Kuroko took Nigou into his arms, to happily lick Kuroko’s chin. “My sweet angel of a dog would never do something terrible like that.” Kuroko said, still laughing at Aomine.

“Shut up.” Aomine frowned at his hand, trying to assess the extent of the damage.

“Here.” Kuroko put Nigou down and reached into his bag, handing Aomine a pair of basketball shorts that had a stretchy waist band. “I doubt the shirt would fit you though.” He said, holding up the tank top in the bag.

“Never underestimate the power of believing in yourself,” Aomine said with a cocky grin, and grabbed the shirt, wiggling into it carefully. He heard the seams pop a few times, but overall he somehow managed it…. he could handle wearing a shirt that was more of a second skin than a shirt, he was hot as fuck after all.

“Lead the way Aomine-kun,” Kuroko said, placing Nigou back in his bag.

“You lead the way. I don’t live here.” Aomine surveyed their exits--two doors and a corridor… When in doubt, rely on someone else. “Midgets first, Tetsu!”

“I’ve never left here, I don’t know where to go.” Kuroko said, and as he walked past Aomine he made sure to step hard on his foot for the midget comment.

“Well then it’s up to luck.” Aomine closed his eyes and spun around with a finger pointing forward. When he opened, he was facing--a wall. But a door a bit to the right of where he pointed so close enough. “Forward--MARCH.”

“I will not be doing any marching,” Kuroko said, and walked calmly through the door.

Fortunately, luck was on their side. The boys exited the building into an alley that fed into the street. “Alright, first stop on this field trip--” Aomine’s growling stomach interrupted his declaration, “--a hot dog stand!”

When they stepped out of the ally Kuroko’s eyes darted around taking everything in, with a look of awe on his face, and his hair started to glow again.

“Oi,” Aomine clapped his hands down on the small boy’s head, trying desperately to contain the glow. “Cut that shit out. Tokyo is weird but not that weird.”

“I can’t control it,” Kuroko replied, trying to push down his emotions.

“Well then learn. FAST.”

“Any suggestions?” Kuroko asked, looking up at Aomine, and trying to push his hands off of his head.

“Nope.” But when in doubt--

Aomine pulled Kuroko close and locked their lips together.

Kuroko quickly pulled back and looked up at Aomine with wide eyes, his hair glowing even brighter. “Why would that have helped?”

“Uh… um. I don’t know, you’re very kissable… Sorry?” Aomine would have kept making terrible excuses, but the sound of sirens echoed in the distance, slowly getting closer. Did somebody call the fucking cops, shit.

“That’s not a real answer,” Kuroko said with a frown, the glow starting to fade from his hair.

“But it worked? Look at your hair.”

“No, my hair got brighter when you did that. It’s fading because I’m getting over the surprise of what you just did.”

“Alright. So plan: I kiss you, quick glow, then BAM, all done. No more human glowstick.” Aomine was liking the plan already.

Kuroko frowned. “No,” he said flatly.

The sirens got louder. “Shitshitshit, okay, we can argue this later. Right now, we’re gonna go--” he turned right and left, spying a small building and praying the cops wouldn’t care about it, “--there!” He pulled Tetsu along behind him and they entered the establishment which opened up into a much bigger space than the outside let on… A much bigger strip club than it looked.

“Aomine-kun, you are a terrible, perverted person, and I don’t want you to be my guide anymore,” Kuroko said as he looked around the strip club.

“Haa?! I didn’t know this was--WAIT.” Aomine managed to shut his mouth long enough to really look at where they were. Is this--”OH SHIT. We need to leave now.”

“We shouldn’t have come in in the first place.” Kuroko said.

“Tetsu-kun~~~~~”

Kuroko looked up just in time to almost be knocked over by Momoi, who was not wearing much in the way of clothing. “Hello, Momoi-san,” he said.

Aomine tried to slowly backtrack to the door while the mama’s boy and stripper were occupied. Just as he turned to exit through the door, Tetsu’s “Aomine-kun” stopped him in his tracks. Bastard.

“Aomine-kun, do you know Momoi-san?” Kuroko asked, letting the girl hang off of him with little to no reaction on his part, as if this was completely normal for him.

“Uh...no?”

Momoi leaned closer to his voice, squinting in the dark of the club. “Wait a sec--DAI-CHAN! Oh, Dai-chan, noooo… You gotta go, Dai-chan! What if Kazu-kun comes back??”

“That’s your boss, right Momoi-san?” Kuroko asked her.

“Yeah. That’s the guy who kicked Dai-chan out this morning,” she turned to Aomine, “Dai-chan seriously, you gotta go now.”

“Aomine-kun goes to places like this multiple times a day? Is that the equivalent of being a day drinker, except perverted?”

“Oi, bastard, don’t you start too.” He turned a glare on them both then turned his attention back to the door. “And I was obviously on my way out of here before you idiots started talking. Now come on, Tetsu, let’s go.”

“Momoi-san, would you like to join us?” Kuroko asked.

“HELL NO! Tetsu, we’re leaving, NOW.”

“Aomine-kun is very rude,” Kuroko said, but nodded and extracted himself from Momoi’s arms. “Goodbye Momoi-san, please do me a favor and don’t tell my mother about this.”

“Bye, Tetsu-kun~~~~~” Momoi blew him a kiss. “Your secret’s safe with meeeeee~~~”

“C’mon, mama’s boy. Let’s go get your milkshake.” Aomine had no idea where to go next, but he figured being on the move was better than sitting around in one place.

“I am not a mama’s boy,” Kuroko muttered, walking out with Aomine.

TIMESKIP nanodaYOOOOOOOOLO~~~~~~

They finally reached the food joint selling the milkshakes. “Aomine-kun, can you order for me? People don’t generally notice me, so it would take less time if you did it,” Kuroko said.

“Ha?! What am I, your servant?”

“I gave you a shower, so yes you are,” he said as if that made perfect sense.

Aomine sighed and approached the counter. He glanced down at the cashier’s nametag. “Hello there…….Mayuzumi? Give me the cheap vanilla milkshakes, or something.”

“I’m sorry sir, but the sale for vanilla milkshakes is over,” Mayuzumi said, not looking sorry at all, or like he cared about the heartbroken look on Kuroko’s face or that Kuroko’s hair was glowing. He’d probably already seen some shit. He worked in fast food.

“Oi, Tetsu. Check the hair,” Aomine whispered beneath his breath.

“But--but--”

“No buts. Time for Operation: No More Human Glowstick.” He leaned down and pecked/french kissed the boy on the lips.

Kuroko was about to protest, because he had never agreed to this plan, but was cut off by Aomine’s mouth.

“Oi! What’s your damn order?”

“Can’t you see we’re having a moment here?!” Aomine yelled.

“I don’t really care about your moment. Are you going to buy something or not?” Mayuzumi asked.

Aomine pulled out several crumpled, moist one-dollar bills. “Gimme the biggest vanilla shake you got.”

“...Aomine-kun, where did you get that money from?” Kuroko asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

“Well……..some of the strippers at the club made a donation to our cause. They, uh, thought you were cute,” Aomine said.

“Aomine-kun has reached a new low. Stealing from strippers,” Kuroko said with disapproval.

“Oi, do you want your damn shake or not?”

“You’re still going to buy it for me? At full price?” Kuroko asked, his lips parting in surprise as he stared up at Aomine with sparkles in his eyes, his hair glowing bluer than it ever had before.

Aomine glanced at the boy then quickly averted his eyes, his skin heating slightly. _I haven’t seen that expression yet._ “What’s it look like I’m doing? I’ve got the cash. It’s not a big deal.”

“Daiki, I think I might love you,” Kuroko said passionately, his hair glowing brighter as he pulled Aomine down into a kiss.

Mayuzumi was becoming increasingly annoyed at the glowstick couple that refused to get themselves a private room. Hoping to get rid of them as soon as possible he mixed a large milkshake, resisting the temptation to make it chocolate instead of vanilla.

Akashi burst into the restaurant, the doors flying open without him even having to touch them. They may have been automatic doors, or he may just have some kind of magic. The world may never know. They were probably automatic doors though. “Tetsuya! What do you think you’re doing?”

The glow faded from his hair as he turned to his mother. Except it was no longer black. His love for Aomine had turned it light blue.

“Mother, I love him,” Kuroko said, clinging onto Aomine. “He bought me a milkshake.”

“Tetsuya, if you had asked, I would have bought you a milkshake,” Akashi said, heaving a sigh of exasperation.

“Yeah, but I can’t fuck you. You’re my mother,” Kuroko said.

Mayuzumi was 100% done with this idiotic gay couple and the crazed male mother. His shift was over. He was leaving.

“Tetsuya, I am not your real mother. I am a man. I could not birth you. We can still do the do,” Akashi replied.

“Oi Tetsu, I’m all for it, but I ain’t having a threesome with your mother. Choose him or me...I swear my dick is bigger. I’m like four feet taller than this guy.”

“Daiki, let’s run away together!!” Kuroko said, leaping into Aomine’s arms.

“VEGAS, HERE WE COME!!!!!!”

Nigou ran in the door, covered in glitter from the strip club and jumped into Kuroko’s arms.

“THERE’S A TWO-FOR-ONE SALE ON LAP DANCES TONIGHT” was on a sign taped to Nigou’s back.

“Tetsu… I think I know where our honeymoon is.”

“THEY’RE HAVING A MOTHER-SON SPECIAL ON LAP DANCES” Akashi tried in a last-ditch effort to seduce Tetsuya.

Kuroko took his milkshake and the sign on Nigou’s back flapped like a cape in the wind as Aomine ran with them to the nearest strip club.

EPILOGUE: **THE HONEYMOON**

Kuroko watched as one of the girls flirted with Aomine, his hair glowing more and more as his jealousy increased.

“Holy shit!” the girl screamed when she noticed Kuroko.

“That’s my man,” Aomine said proudly.

**Author's Note:**

> BLOOPERS <3 <3 <3 (not that there’s really any difference between the bloopers and the actual story at this point)
> 
> “Tetsuya don’t do this, without the power of your hair i will never be able to BALL THIS FUCKIGN HARD ANYMORE” Akashi screamed.
> 
> “YOU’VE BALLED ENOUGH MOTHER. YOU NEED TO RETIRE.”
> 
> \-----
> 
> “There is an exit. Of sorts,” Kuroko said, lifting the hatch to the laundry chute. “Ladies first,” He said to Aomine, gesturing to the hole. 
> 
> “Tetsu, b4 I make this leap of faith, I need to ask u a question……..” Aomine said, tears in his eyes. “Will you…… still love me….. when i no longer bALL SO FUCKIGN HARD……?”
> 
> Kuroko couldn’t look him in the eye. “...No. I’m sorry.”
> 
> “Oh, fuck you,” Aomine managed before jumping into the hole, scraping his shoulders on the sides and barely keeping his grip on the towel around his waist. Some things were more important than pride.
> 
> \-----
> 
> Aomine took one cursory glance at the piles of garments around him then turned back to the boy, irritated. The bastard was making fun of him. “I need a pair of pants just for my BALLS. These are maids’ uniforms!!!! ”
> 
> “Maybe you can clean up your attitude if you wear one,” Kuroko said, just barely stopping himself from laughing. They heard a little giggle from the corner of the room. Kuroko went to investigate and found one of the housekeepers laughing so hard his face was turning blue. “Um Izuki-kun are you alright?”
> 
> \-----
> 
> “Any suggestions?” Kuroko asked, looking up at Aomine, and trying to push his hands off of his head. 
> 
> “Nope. But when in doubt, DICK OUT!” Aomine shouted, dropping his pants.
> 
> \-----
> 
> (i’m really not sure what’s going on here but i think it deserves blooper status)
> 
> Aomine looked at him for a moment. “I mean… yeah. Of course, Tetsu. That’s what you do when you are in LOVE” fuck you NO FUCK YOU~ WHY DON’T YOU JUST DO BOTH positions are non-negotiable . I either get in or you get out.LOL


End file.
